If Xerox made toasters...
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would
get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you.
If IBM made toasters...
They would want one big toaster where people
bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a
worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters.
If Radio Shack made toasters...
The staff would sell you a
toaster, but not know anything about
it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster.
If University of Waterloo made toasters...
They would immediately spin off a company called WatToast.
If Oracle made toasters...
They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of
bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still
in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that
indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke.
If Sun made toasters...
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa
Java.
Does DEC still make toasters?...
They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they?
If Hewlett-Packard made toasters...
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in
toast and gives you regular bread.
If Thinking Machines made toasters...
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time.
If Cray made toasters...
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other
single-slice toaster in the world.
If The Rand Corporation made toasters...
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube.
Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their
service department would have an unlisted phone number, and
the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government
documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it.
If Sony made toasters...
The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece
of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to
your belt.
If Timex made toasters...
They would be cheap and small quartz-crystal wrist toasters that
take a licking and keep on toasting.
If Fisher Price made toasters...
"Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to
toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box.
If CostCo made toasters...
They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em.
And, of course:
If Microsoft made toasters...
Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a
toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd have
to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds
(hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough
electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in
your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you
control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would
secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made
them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but would buy
them nonetheless since most of the good bread only works with
their toasters.
If NetScape made toasters....
It would toast your neighbors bread.