Then again, maybe it's just a funny cartoon show.
Please do not sue me for my humor. I just hope Steve's a cool guy.
You asked for it! Ok, you didn't really, but here it is anyway! evil laughter I left out everyone else's lines except when they genuinely interrupted Pip's story. The sections in brackets I couldn't quite make out, so I did the best I could with the sounds I did catch. Corrections are welcome. Enjoy...
Yakko: Great cheese balls, huh Pip?
I'll say. Cheese balls are one of my all-time favorite foods. I always seem to meet the most interesting people when I'm around them, too. In fact, cheese balls bring to mind the time I met Bob Barker.
Yakko: You don't say...
Yes, indeed -- Bob Barker, star of the most popular morning game show. He's an emcee, a host and a celebrity all rolled into one. Anyway, eight months ago, it was Tuesday the 17th, I believe, or it might have been the 18th -- no, no, it was definitely the 17th, because it was precisely one week after my Aunt Lucretia's birthday, which is the 10th. Aunt Lucretia's quite a woman -- loves to cook. She prepares a fabulous [war-shoo-off] -- that's a Chinese duck dish. I love Chinese food. I once went to a party where they served Chinese food and cheese balls. Now that was a Catch-22 situation. Catch-22 was a movie, you know. It was long -- VERY long. They say the book was better, but it was a novel, and I never finish reading those things. Of course, a lot of people don't read much nowadays; they watch television. I caught a program on PBS last night -- a very good show on chimpanzees in the media. They had a clip of [Jay Fred Mug and a chimp] on the Today Show, but it was Fred's chimpanzee's girlfriend that had me stumped. I couldn't remember her name, so I looked it up. Her name was Fibi B. Bibi.
Yakko: Dot Warner, this is Francis Pumphandle, but...
Pip and Yakko: everyone calls me Pip.
Anyway, as I was saying, eight months ago, Tuesday the 17th, I went downtown on a nice relaxing stroll. I love to relax. In fact, relaxing is a hobby of mine. Some people play golf, others like tennis, horseshoes, bridge, canasta, and other such fancy hobbies.
Darned to meetcha. Now another hobby enjoyed by many is knitting. My grandmother was a great knitter -- knitted this sweater I'm wearing. It's red, which is not my favorite color. I prefer mauve or a mustard yellow. Now, don't get me wrong, red is o.k. for ties and suspenders, but with sweaters I prefer more neutral colors. But when I'm relaxing, I don't care WHAT I wear -- long pants, bermuda shorts, t-shirts, or formal attire, you name it -- anything goes. Now, on the 17th, during my relaxing stroll, I recall wearing my herringbone jacket, my Laughlin, Nevada souvenir tie, and my charcoal grey slacks -- or was it the navy slacks? Oh, I suppose it doesn't really matter, does it? What matters is comfort. You know, I once stayed at a Comfort Inn -- warm, cozy, comfortable. I love comfort. It goes along with that pastime of mine -- relaxing. Now, for me, there's nothing more relaxing than a nice leisurely stroll like the one I took eight months ago on the 17th. It was a bright, sunny day, which of course is the optimum condition for relaxed strolling. And as I walked along, I found myself humming a haunting melody. I kept humming and humming and humming and humming. I couldn't get the tune out of my head. I racked my brain to come up with the title, but to no avail. You see, I'm not terribly musical -- and yet, I'd always wanted to play a musical instrument and be like my musical hero, Leo Sayer. But who can compete with Leo? I think I was just scared I'd fail. Well, I decided right then and there to go buy a musical instrument. So on the particular Tuesday the 17th to which I was referring, I went down to the Sixth Street Musical Emporium to buy a new tambourine, a terribly soothing instrument contrary to popular opinion. And as I was strolling along, I detected a wonderful scent in the morning air. "What could it be?" I asked myself. So I went toward that marvelous scent, distracted by its aroma from my musical mission. The odor was a mix of orchid flowers and bologna, which, of course, is one of the world's most underappreciated luncheon meats -- that and pimento loaf. I love a good pimento-loaf-and-mayo sandwich -- the more pimentos, the better. Why just the mention of pimentos makes my taste buds stand up and say "Howdy". Now there's an interesting word -- "howdy". Is it from "How are you?", or maybe "How ya doing?" "Howdy"'s one of those strange words that really HAS no origin. I like saying, "How do" more than "Howdy" -- more formal, I think -- not too flowery. But the flowery aroma of that particular Tuesday morning carried me on my fragrant quest. Now, the smell was actually less bologna and more orchid, the beautiful flower found on the island state of Hawaii. Of course, I wasn't in Hawaii, so I needed to search out the location of the nearest orchid. So, I visited every flower shop in town. Well, to make a long story short, not a SINGLE flower shop in town had ANY orchids in stock, which seemed mighty curious to me. Now, as we all know, curiosity killed the cat, but since I'm not feline, I wasn't too worried. Felines are funny creatures, don't you think? I had a cat once. It used its claws to tear my living room couch to shreds. It was a comfy couch, too -- had a sleepaway bed in it with a foam rubber mattress. Now, I bought the couch AND the mattress at Levine's department store on Third Avenue the very same afternoon of that relaxing stroll aforementioned. I also bought myself a lovely tambourine on that same shopping expedition. Anyway, I didn't want to pay extra for the delivery of the couch, so I decided to carry the couch home myself. It was quite cumbersome, and getting it through the store's revolving doors was a bit of a challenge. And just as I emerged onto the street, by accident I bumped into a well-dressed man with an orchid in his lapel. It was Bob Barker, and he was eating and bologna-and-cheese-ball sandwich. Well, it's been nice chatting with you. Bye!
Yakko: We protest you calling us "little kids". We prefer to be called "vertically-impaired pre-adults". -- Broadcast Nuisance Yakko: We'd love to stay here and count our brain cells as they die one-by-one. Dot: But we can't. -- Chairman of the Bored Miss Flamiel: We'll move on to science. Dot, what can you tell me about the great scientists of the nineteenth century? Dot: They're all dead. Miss Flamiel: No no no! Dot: All right. They're all living. Miss Flamiel: No no no! Yakko: Well, now we're getting into philosophy. -- Chalkboard Bungle Miss Flamiel: Yakko, can you conjugate? Yakko: Who, me? I've never even *kissed* a girl! Miss Flamiel: No no no. It's easy. I'll conjugate with you. Yakko: Goodnight, everybody! -- Chalkboard Bungle Einstein: Cookies? What would I do with cookies? Dot: You eat 'em, silly mustache man! Whoa, dumber than advertised! -- Cookies for Einstein Dot: Oh, oh, my heart aches with the sorrow of a thousand scouts! No merit badge. I mourn my loss. Yakko: Say, those acting classes are really paying off! -- Cookies for Einstein Yakko: Don't worry, siblings. We'll sell that nice man a box of cookies, or die trying! Or try dying! Or do some tie-dying! -- Cookies for Einstein Yakko: All right, all right. We get the picture. If you don't want any cookies, then just leave! Einstein: I'm not going to leave--this is *my* house. Yakko: All right, then *you* leave. Einstein: Fine! -- Cookies for Einstein Dracula: I am Count Dracula! Yakko: Didn't you use to teach math on Sesame Street? -- Draculee Draculaa Dot: Nice decorating! Let me guess--Satan? -- Draculee Dracula Ned Flat: Why are you acting like this? Yakko: We're not acting. We really are like this. -- Fair Game Mr. Director: Hoyl! How'd you... with the going... you were there... but here now... you are... for me to see... how'd you do... Yakko: You understand any of that? Wakko: I think he said: "Hoyl! How'd you... with the going... you were there... but here now... you are... for me to see... how'd you do... Yakko: Thanks for clearing that up. -- Hearts of Twilight Yakko: Wait a minute. You expect us poor, innocent children to climb up dangerous scaffolding and paint naked people all over a church? Warners: We'll do it! -- Hooked on a Ceiling Satan: And now prepare to suffer indescribable torment! Yakko: Another Bob Hope special? -- Hot, Bothered, and Bedeviled Very Arch Bishop: King Yakko, your throne. Wakko: The throne? How do you lift the lid? Dot: Since when do *you* lift the lid? -- King Yakko Yakko: Citizens of Anvilania, I stand before you, because if I was behind you, you couldn't see me. -- King Yakko Umlatt: This is the uniform of a great man! Yakko: Does he know you're wearing it? -- King Yakko Dot: I think this uniform needs something; something that says "I'm here to destroy you", but with a sense of fun. -- King Yakko Dot: Do you think this plan will work? Yakko: It better--we don't have any more commercial breaks. -- King Yakko Dot: What does Christie Brinkley have that I don't have? Yakko/Wakko: Billy Joel. -- No Pain, No Painting Yakko: So we should go? Picasso: Oui, oui. Yakko: Pardon? Picasso: Oui, oui. Yakko: The stuff they're getting away with on kid's shows these days... -- No Pain, No Painting Rasputin: Slow down! Yakko: Why? Everyone else is Russian around here! -- Nothing but the Tooth Nicholas II: I can't thank you enough! All of Russia owes you a great debt. Goodbye. Dot: Bye bye, Czar. Wakko: What a nice man! Yakko: I see nothing but good things in his future. Of course, I could be wrong... -- Nothing but the Tooth Wakko: Hey, mister, what's this? Blosky: A vomit bag. Wakko: Ah, poo. I got gypped. There's none in here! -- Plane Pals Blosky: Shhh! Shhh! Do you know what that means? Yakko: You got a slow leak? -- Plane Pals Dot: All we know is that we like you. We have no taste, but we like you. -- Plane Pals Beethoven: How can you eat lunch? You haven't even started yet! Dot: We're in a Union. -- Roll Over Beethoven Yakko: Did you call for the bravest, most daring knight in all the land? King Arthur: Oh, yes! Yakko: Well, too bad! You got us. -- Sir Yaksalot Yakko: Call it a hunch, sibs, but I think we've been abducted by aliens. Dot: Aliens?!? What'll we do? Wakko: Go find the cafeteria? Yakko/Dot: Yeah! -- Space Probed Dot: Um, it's not that we wouldn't like to take your survey... Yakko: It's more like we'd rather have dental surgery. -- Survey Ladies Dot: Do you think Scratchy'd like some cologne? Fifi: We have "Obsession", "Repression", and "Ecstacy". Dot: Do you have anything for beginners? -- Survey Ladies Dot: How about this for Scratchy? It plays Bach. Wakko: Yeah, but does it play forward? -- Survey Ladies Dr. Scratchansniff: Stop playing with my bust! Yakko:
Goodnight, everybody! -- Taming of the Screwy Dr. Scratchansniff: Now we will work on our diction. How do we avoid bad elocution? Yakko: Stay inside during a thunderstorm. -- Taming of the Screwy Yakko: I know when we're not wanted. I know when we should just go home... Now is not one of those times. -- Taming of the Screwy Dot: Don't look down! You might fall and hit your head and die and your brains would leak out allll over! -- The Big Candy Store Yakko: How about a tip? Flaxseed: Don't eat lead. -- The Big Candy Store Yakko: It's that time again! Dot: To make fun of the Disney channel? -- The Wheel of Morality Yakko: It's that time again! Wakko: To make the Fox censors cry? -- The Wheel of Morality Yakko: And the moral of today's story is: If you can't say anything nice, you're probably at the Ice Capades. -- The Wheel of Morality Yakko: Hey, come on! The Wheel of Morality adds boring education value to what would otherwise be an almost entirely entertaining program! -- The Wheel of Morality Dot: Who came up with this stupid 'Wheel of Morality' idea anyway? Yakko: The execs at the Fox Kids' Network. Dot: Ohhhh... They did? What a great idea! -- The Wheel of Morality Miles Standish: Begone, pests, and give me the bird. Yakko: We'd love to, really, but the Fox censors won't allow it. -- Turkey Jerky
Brain: It proved that radio was a powerful tool. And now, Pinky, the advance of technology has brought us an even more powerful tool. Do you know what that is? Pinky: Ummm... the rubber band? -- Battle for the Planet Brain: It must be inordinately taxing to be such a boob. -- Bubba Bo Bob Brain Pinky: Hmmm... let me think... Brain: Don't hurt yourself, Pinky. -- Bubba Bo Bob Brain Brain: Promise me something, Pinky. Never breed. -- Jockey for Position Pinky: Egad! This is even better than a DuckTales episode, Brain! -- Opportunity Knox Brain: I am in intense pain, Pinky. Pinky: Ditto, Brain. Zort! -- Opportunity Knox Pinky: Whatcha doin' over there, Brain? Brain: Contemplating your afterlife, Pinky. -- Pavlov's Mice Brain: Pinky, I am in considerable pain. Pinky: Narf! Zort! Poit! Gat! I'm with you, Brain! -- Twas the Day Before Christmas Brain: Here we are, Pinky--at the dawn of time! Pinky:
Narf, Brain. Wake me at the noon of time. -- When Mice Ruled the Earth Brain: Now, Pinky, if by any chance you are captured during this mission, remember you are Gunther Heindriksen from Appenzell. You moved to Grindelwald to drive the cog train to Murren. Can you repeat that? Pinky: Mmmm, no, Brain, don't think I can. -- Where Rodents Dare Pinky: Egad! You astound me, Brain! Brain: That's a simple task, Pinky. -- Win Big Brain: I am not devoid of humour. -- Win Big Pinky: Narf! Pinky: Poit! Pinky: Zort! Pinky: Gat! Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight? Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!
AN 102 - Win Big B: Pinky, AYPWIP? P: Uh, I think so, Brain, but where will we find a duck and a hose at this hour? AN 109 - Where Rodents Dare B: Pinky, AYPWIP? P: I think so, but where will we find an open tattoo parlor at this time of night? AN 115 - Battle for the Planet B: Pinky, AYPWIP? P: Wuh, I think so, Brain, but if we didn't have ears, we'd look like weasels. AN 118 - Pavlov's Mice B: Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Pinky? *** P: Uh... yeah, Brain, but where are we going to find rubber pants our size? AN 124 - Opportunity Knox B: Pinky, AYPWIP? P: Uh, I think so, Brain, but balancing a family and a career ... oooh, it's all too much for me. AN 127 - Jockey for Position B: Pinky, AYPWIP? P: Wuh, I think so, Brain, but isn't Regis Philbin already married? AN 134 - Bubba Bo Bob Brain B: Pinky, AYPWIP? P: Uh, I think so, Brain, but burlap chafes me so. AN 138 - Spell-Bound B: AYPWIP, Pinky? P: Sure, Brain, but how are we going to find chaps our size? AN 140 - Puppet Rulers B: Pinky, AYPWIP? P: Uh, I think so, Brain, but we'll never get a monkey to use dental floss. AN 144 - The World Can Wait B: Pinky, AYPWIP? P: Uh, I think so, Brain, but this time, you wear the tutu. AN 147 - When Mice Ruled the Earth B: Pinky, AYPWIP? P: I think so, Brain, but culottes have a tendency to ride up so.
Woman: Well! I never! Slappy: Well, you should--it's fun! -- Bumbie's Mom Slappy: Look, have I ever lied to you before? Skippy: You said keno is legal in Burbank. -- Bumbie's Mom Slappy: Tactless, yet rude. -- Bumbie's Mom Slappy: The pleasure's been all yours, I'm sure. -- Hurray for Slappy Slappy: You remind me of a very young Betty Boop. -- Hurray for Slappy Slappy: Oh, not the dynamite in the cake bit again. Who'd sink so low? -- Hurray for Slappy Slappy: What a yutz. -- Hurray for Slappy Slappy: If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not. -- I Got Yer Can Slappy: In most cases, revenge is not a good thing. In other cases, it's the only thing. -- I Got Yer Can Slappy: What about the plot, Hemmingway? What's an anvil got to do with this story? Skippy: Who cares? Anvils are funny! -- I Got Yer Can Slappy: I'm gonna make you some brain food. That's right, I'm gonna make you my famous walnut fig dough surprise. Skippy: What's the surprise? Slappy: I'm outta walnuts. -- Slappy Goes Walnuts Slappy: Ehhhh, but let's not be anal. -- Slappy Goes Walnuts Slappy: What a schmutz. -- Slappy Goes Walnuts Slappy: Skippy! You shoulda been asleep hours ago! Skippy: I know, Aunt Slappy, but I can't sleep. I keep hearing Santa's sleigh! Slappy: Ehhhh, that's just the LAPD choppers. Slappy: Now *that's* comedy!
Einstein: If the sun is P, and gravity is H, it makes a Phhhhhh... -- Cookies for Einstein Abraham Lincoln: Ich bin ein Gettysburger! -- Four Score and Seven Migraines Ago Abraham Lincoln: So, how 'bout those Yankees? -- Four Score and Seven Migraines Ago Satan: Beyond these doors is an agony worse than all others. You will remain in here for eternity listening to... whiny protest songs from the Sixties. -- Hot, Bothered, and Bedeviled Stewardess: Welcome to Air Pacific--the Jolly Airline! Our deluxe 757 is equipped with a number of safety features to use in case of an emergency, such as our fuel tanks explode, and we crash like a fiery ball into the sea. ... You'll find life jackets under your seats. In the event of a water landing, they will keep you afloat, unless you are seized by a giant squid, and dragged screaming beneath the waves. ... Thank you for choosing Air Pacific. You have well over a forty percent chance of landing safely. Enjoy your flight! -- Plane Pals He's a chicken, I tell you! A giant chicken!