Before we start, I just need you to do one thing for me. I need your signature so that I may help you. You will then be blessed with all of the knowledge that you seek.
What's in it for me, you ask? Just your soul.
Now, now, don't look shocked. There are many people functioning today without a soul. How else could you explain the Wharton School? You'll be fine without one. Really.
If you would like to back out now, you may go here. If you would rather continue with our deal, please go ahead on this page. (Just step over Behemoth- he tends to get in the way with his chessboard. Stupid cat--give them some vodka, they think they're human.)
Now, back to our deal. I cannot promise you wealth (but since you're at Penn, that shouldn't be a huge difficulty for you). I mean, I do have these coupons for Papa John's pizza to help sustain you while cramming for your exams...but that's not what we're negotiating about. Intelligence is where I come in--I can bless you with a photographic memory, simple as a snap of my fingers.
The catch? Well, nothing as silly as signing your name in blood. You just need to write GOP-centric, extremely conservative-minded articles in the student magazine, The Red and Blue. (You have to admit- you always did think that was an evil publication, so here's proof.) Your "signature" will be your byline for the most close-minded articles that you can possibly dream up. I know the blood part may be more favorable, but it'll be fun to watch you squirm- besides, isn't it worth it for more intelligence?
In return, I'll guarantee your admittance into the medical school of your choice. Simple as that.
Do we
have a deal?
Click on Mephistopheles to continue.