A is for...

Aardvark: 
 Strenuous Labor.

Abash: 
 A Great Party.

Absent: 
 1. Exposed To The Attacks Of Friends And Acquaintances; Defamed; Slandered.
 2. The Notation Generally Following Your Name In A Class Record.

Absentee: 
 A Person With An Income Who Has Had The Forethought To Remove Himself From 
The Sphere Of Extraction.

Abstainer: 
 A Weak Person Who Yields To The Temptation Of Denying Himself A Pleasure.

Absurdity: 
 A Statement Or Belief Manifestly Inconsistent With One's Own Opinion.

Academe: 
 An Ancient School Where Morality And Philosophy Were Taught.

Academy: 
 A Modern School Where Football Is Taught.

Accidentals: 
 Wrong Notes

Accomplice: 
 One Associated With Another In A Crime, Having Guilty Knowledge And 
Complicity, As An Attorney Who Defends A Criminal, Knowing Him Guilty. 
This View Of The Attorney's Position In The Matter Has Not Hitherto 
Commanded The Assent Of Attorneys, No One Having Offered Them A Sufficient 
Fee For Assenting.

Accountability: 
 The Mother Of Caution.

Accountant: 
 1. A Desk Jockey.
 2. A Figurehead. 
 3. One Who Feels Good When Things Start Looking Black Again. 
 4. One Who Is Hired To Tell You, You Didn't Make As Much Money As You Did. 
 5. A Person Who Is Paid To Make Figures Lie. 
 6. A Person Who Uses Your Books To Figure His Profit.

Accuse: 
 To Affirm Another's Guilt Or Unworth; Most Commonly As A Justification Of 
Ourselves For Having Wronged Them.

Achievement: 
 The Man That Rows The Boat Doesn't Have Time To Rock It.

Acoustic: 
 Instrument Used In Billiards...

Acquaintance: 
 One Whom We Know Well Enough To Borrow From, But Not Well Enough To Lend 
To.

Acquit: 
 To Wimp Out.

Acrobat: 
 Someone Who Will Always Do You A Good Turn.

Acting: 
 The Art Of Performing A Role While Trying Valiantly To Avoid Falling 
Scenery, Bumping Into Furniture, Falling Off The Stage, And Running 
Over Fellow Actors.

Active Socially: 
 Drinks Heavily.

Actor: 
 A Man Who Tries To Be Everything But Himself.

Acute: 
 1. An Adjective To Describe Beauty, E.G. Acute Apothem. 
 2. Opposite Of An Ugly.

Adenoid: 
 Domino's Pizza Character.

Adjective: 
 A Chemical They Put In Your Food

Admiration: 
 Our Polite Recognition Of Another's Resemblance To Ourselves.

Admissions Office: 
 Where They Take You To Get You To Admit You've Mooned The Keynote Speaker 
During "New Student Weekend".

Adolescence: 
 1. The Age Between Pigtails And Cocktails. 
 2. The Age Between Puberty And Adultery. 
 3. When A Boy Stops Collecting Stamps And Starts Playing Post Office. 
 4. When A Child Tries To Bring Up His Parents. 
 5. When A Girl's Voice Changes From No To Yes. 
 6. When Boys Begin To Notice That Girls Notice Boys Who Notice Girls. 
 7. When Children Begin To Question The Answers. 
 8. Children Feel That Their Parents Should Be Told The Facts Of Life. 
 9. When Boys Discover Girls And Girls Discover They Have Been Discovered.

Adolescent: 
 1. A Youngster Who Acts Like A Baby When You Don't Treat Him Like An Adult. 
 2. A Youngster Who Is Old Enough To Dress Himself, If He Could Just 
    Remember Where He Dropped His Clothes. 
 3. A Youngster Who Is Old Enough To Get Up In The Morning, But Not Quite 
    Sure How To Progress From There.

Adore: 
 To Venerate Expectantly.

Adult: 
 1. One Old Enough To Know Better.
 2. Someone Who Has Stopped Growing At The Ends But Not In The Middle.

Adultery: 
 1. Putting Yourself In Someone Else's Position.
 2. Two Wrong People Doing The Right Thing. 
 3. Pathological Condition Afflicting Those Over 30.

Advil: 
 Used To Hammer Things On.

Afternoon: 
 That Part Of The Day We Spend Worrying About How We Wasted The Morning.

Age: 
 That Period Of Life In Which We Compound For The Vices That We Still 
Cherish By Reveling Those That We No Longer Have The Enterprise To Commit.

Agnus Dei: 
 A Famous Female Church Composer.

Agonosis: 
 The Syndrome Of Tuning Into "Wide World Of Sports" Every Saturday Just To 
Watch The Skier Rack Himself.

Aibohphobia: 
 Fear Of Palindromes.

Aids: 
 Helpers Or Assistants.

Alarm Clock: 
 1. Something That Makes People Rise And Whine.
 2. A Machine That Scares The Daylights Into You.

Alcoholic: 
 Anti-Sobriety Activist

Alderman: 
 An Ingenious Criminal Who Covers His Secret Thieving With A Pretense Of 
Open Marauding.

Alfred Hitchcooking: 
 Stabbing Frozen Peas To Get Them To Cook Faster. 

Alimony: 
  1. A Contraction Of The Phrase "All His Money." 
  2. A Form Of Maintenance By Which, If You Don't Pay In Due Time, You'll 
     Do Time.
  3. A Man's Transition From A Co-Starring Spot To A Supporting Role. 
  4. A Pay-As-You-Go Plan. 
  5. A Pension That Helps Take The Drudgery Out Of Household Duties. 
  6. A Wife's Guaranteed Annual Wage. 
  7. A Word Often Spelled "Ali-Moan-Y" By Divorced Husbands. 
  8. An Allowance Which Enables A Woman Who Was Unhappily Married To Be 
     Happily Unmarried. 
  9. Like Buying Oats For A Dead Horse. 
 10. Paying Installments On A Car After The Wreck. 
 11. The Fee A Woman Charges For Name-Dropping. 
 12. The High Cost Of Leaving.
 13. The Matrimonial Institution's Severance Pay. 
 14. The Payment By One For The Mistakes Of Two. 
 15. The Screwing You Get For The Screwing You Got.
 16. The Fee A Woman Charges For Name-Dropping.

Allegro: 
 Leg Fertilizer.

Allergy Specialist: 
  A Doctor Who Treats You For One Wheezin' Or Another.

Alliance: 
 In International Politics, The Union Of Two Thieves Who Have Their Hands 
So Deeply Inserted Into Each Others' Pockets That They Cannot Separately 
Plunder A Third.

Allocator: 
 Dangerous Animal Resembling A Crocodile

Aloha: 
 A Pullman Berth.

Alpopuck: 
 Any Empty Dish Pushed Around The Kitchen Floor By A Dog Trying To Get The 
Last Morsel.

Amateur Hour: 
 That 60 Minutes After The Bars Close.

Ambidextrous: 
 Able To Pick With Equal Skill A Right-Hand Pocket Or A Left.

Ambience: 
 Special Van That Takes People To Hospital

AMC Pacer: 
 World's Largest Fishbowl.

America: 
 1. A Place Where We Jump Traffic Lights To Save Seconds And Wait Patiently 
    For Hours On The First Tee. 
 2. The Promissory Land.

Amnesia: 
 Memory Dump.

Anally: 
 Occurring Yearly.

Analyst: 
 A Shrink Trying To Find Out Whether An Infant Has More Fun In Infancy Than 
An Adult In Adultery.

Anarchy: 
 Such A Good Idea, It Should Be The Law.

Anatomy: 
 One Of Those Classes That Sounds Vaguely Risque Until You Find Out What It 
Really Involves.

Annoying: 
 Two People Who Go Right On Talking When You're Interrupting. 

Anoint: 
 To Grease A King Or Other Great Functionary Already Sufficiently Slippery.

Anomalous: 
 Doesn't Have A Name

Antimony: 
 Money Paid To A Former Spouse

Antique Shop: 
 Sale Items Are Very Old And The Prices Are Very Modern.

Antonym: 
 The Opposite Of The Word You're Trying To Think Of.

Anus: 
 Latin Word For Hillary.

Anxiety: 
 1. "The IRS Is On Line One, Mr. Milken". 
 2. The First Time You Can't Do It A Second Time. 
 3. Nature's Way Of Getting You Up Mornings.

Aphrodisiac: 
 An African Disc Jockey.

Apothem: 
 An Animal That Is An Enemy Of The Polygon. It Eats Locus Too.

Apparent: 
 A Large, Old, Bossy Person Who Tortures Youths.

Appellate: 
 Hamster Food.

Aquadextrous: 
 Possessing The Ability To Turn The Bathtub Faucet On And Off With Your 
Toes.

Arab Coffee:
 Thick, Black, Bitter Coffee, Traditionally Served In Tiny Cups At Gunpoint.

Archaeologist: 
 A Man Whose Career Lies In Ruins.

Aromatic: 
 Works By Itself Without Manual Control

Arraign: 
 Stormy Weather.

Artery: 
 Study Of Fine Paintings.

Artificial Insemination: 
 Copulation Without Representation.

Asian Marriage: 
 In Certain Countries Of Asia, A Man Does Not Know His Wife Until He 
Marries Her. But Then, Why Single Out Asia?

Aspirin: 
 Having Great Ambitions.

Astronaut: 
 1. Someone Who Is Bound To Go Up In The World.
 2. Whirled Traveler.

Astronomer: 
 A Night Watchman.

Atheism: 
 1. A Non-Prophet Organization.
 2. A Man With No Invisible Means Of Support.

Athletic Supporter: 
 Sports Nut.

Atomic Bomb: 
 The Thing That Makes Molehills Out Of Mountains.

Atonality: 
 Disease That Many Modern Composers Suffer From. The Most Prominent Symptom 
Is The Patient's Lacking Ability To Make Decisions.

Attorney: 
 Major Sporting Event.

Auction House: 
 Den Of Antiquity.

Auction: 
 A Gyp Off The Old Block.

Auctioneer: 
 A Man Who Looks Forbidding.

Audition: 
 The Act Of Putting Yourself Under Extreme Stress To Satisfy The Sadistic 
Intentions Of Others.

Auditor: 
 Person Who Goes In After The War Is Lost And Bayonets The Wounded.

Augmented Fifth: 
 A 36-Ounce Bottle

Auto Mechanic: 
 Someone You Can Always Count On To Fix Your Wagon.

Automobile: 
 A Four-Wheeled Vehicle That Runs Up Hills And Down Pedestrians.

Average: 
 1. Not Too Bright. 
 2. The Best Of The Lousy And The Lousiest Of The Best.

Avogadro: 
 The Main Ingredient In Guacamole.