I could pluck out great one-liners or bits of dialogue from virtually every episode, but here are my absolute favorites.
"I'd say 'res ipsa loquitur' if I thought you'd know what it meant."
"Ipsa this, you pissy little bitch!"
-Andy & Sylvia's first meeting, "Pilot"
"That's Jesus Christ, dad. Congratulations on pissing off Jesus."
-Andy Jr., "Taillight's Last Gleaming"
"Why don't you give that ass guy a call?"
-Sipowicz, "In the Butt Bob"
"All's we know so far, Norman, is we heard some reporter called a low-life
asshole turd pimp with the brains of a flea and the balls of a moth. But
we haven't nailed down yet who was being referred to."
"A touch of the poet there, Sipowicz."
-Andy & Norman Gardners, "Guns 'N Rosaries"
"This is a good job for people like us. We don't have a lot of education,
but we can read and write, and we're honest. Don't ever embarrass this
"I know you won't.
-Andy giving Andy Jr. his first lesson in policework, "Girl Talk"
"Hello. Do you know the difference between animal meat and man meat?"
-Sipowicz playing loony, "The Nutty Confessor"
"The truth and a trial have as much to do with each other as as a hot dog
and a warm puppy."
-James Sinclair, "Trials and Tribulations"
"Detective Sipowicz happens to be one of our few Native American Poles."
-Simone, "What a Dump"
"That was my tit cup!"
-Vince Gotelli staring at the wreckage of his most prized possession, "Dead and Gone"
"Boy, that's sure gonna be clean."
-Andy to Sylvia in the shower, "The Final Adjustment"
"I'm gonna have such a migraine tonight because I didn't beat you."
-Sipowicz, "Boxer Rebellion"
"Show me a woman walkin', and I'll show you what rules the world."
-Sipowicz, "Dirty Laundry"
"You must get hit a lot, right?"
-Bobby to Henry Coffield, "Thick Stu"
"Andy's missing a glove."
"Yeah, that accounts for his piss-poor attitude, right?"
"That, and he don't like most people."
-Medavoy and Martinez, "Tom and Geri"
"How come with you Cohen, it comes out like the principal doing us a
"Because the school's the Constitution, Sipowicz, and you're the class dunce."
-Andy and ADA Cohen, "A Remington Original"
"Something always comes up."
"That something's definitely going to come up is my hope for after the film."
"That is a disgusting remark. You're fortunate you're among friends."
-Diane and Bobby getting ready for their date, "A Wrenching Experience"
"You know how many thousand of cops have made social overtures off a case,
"I suppose so."
"Even not countin' hookers."
-James & Greg, "Honeymoon at Viagra Falls"
"So, that's what 14-year-olds are wearing now?"
-Andy upon meeting Danny Sorensen, "Danny Boy"
"You're being served, aren't you, Andy? They cooked those ribs for you.
Maybe they wanted to spit in the plate, but they didn't. They served your
white ass just like they would anyone else who came in here. Even though
some of them hate your guts. So why would you feel uncomfortable, Andy?
You got your meal. What difference does it make what they're thinking?
That they don't like you, that's just an opinion. Why should that bother
you?... Now what if they had badges and guns?"
-Fancy giving Andy a rib joint lecture, "Oscar, Meyer, Wiener"
"It's gonna hit the fan."
"Let's think positive."
"You can light your incense and say 'Ohm,' but trust me... the fan."
-Andy and Connie discussing John and Rita's breakup, "Marine Life"