The Programming Languages collection.
- Basic, n.:
- A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in
that those who have it will not admit it in polite company.
- Goto, n.:
- A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
to complain about unstructured programmers.
- Pascal, n.:
- A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.
- The C Programming Language
- A language which combines the
flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language.
A race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
The Lesser-known programming languages
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10 -- SIMPLE
- SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12 -- LITHP
- This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13 -- SLOBOL
- SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- SARTRE
- Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose;
they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own
functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are
no fun at parties.
THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18 -- C-
- This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
similar to COBOL.
The laws of programming
A Law of Computer Programming:
- Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
will find the programmers cannot write in English.
- Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
By the way ...
Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who
can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN.
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
Programmers In Flight
At a recent computer software engineering course in the US, the
participants were given an awkward question to answer:
"If you had
just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had
been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would
Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only
one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he
would be quite content to stay on board. With his team's software, he
reasoned, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let
alone take off.